Depression affects millions; it’s incredibly vicious, and a coward of a disease. It likely is something some of the people you love most are dealing with, and I can’t stress enough that if you notice a friend or family member acting strange, and it doesn’t always appear as “down in the dumps,” please ask them if they want or need to talk. At the very least it’ll brighten their day, and as unfortunate a situation as it might be, you could possibly save their life. I want to stress, I’ve never been diagnosed, mainly because I thought I would just be wasting the doctor’s time. I used to wake up every day wishing I didn’t, and the following is a super condensed list of things I forced myself to do each day, or whenever I had the opportunity, because I, through force of will that I didn’t believe I even possessed, wanted it to change. I needed it to. I hope this might help anyone that was or is in that kind of position. 5. First of all, today is NOT tomorrow. The two don’t have to be, and won’t be, the same if you choose them not to be. The key for my understanding not only what I was dealing with, but how I could put it in a perspective, to then make real and ultimately work on changing, was to understand that just because I felt a certain way “today,” that did not mean I would “tomorrow” no matter how much I may have thought I’d feel the same. It was this baby step, and in constant need of self-reinforcement along the way, that likely was the strongest building block to what I was able to do, which was ultimately feel better in a general sense. To feel better where, while not entirely going away, made my life, decisions, and responsibilities a lot more clear, with a lot less gloom, and an ability to appreciate the joy that is present, however seldom we each may think it occurs, that purveys this life. You can absolutely find joy, however small, if you look hard enough. Sooner or later, you see just a little bit in most places. It all balances out. 4. Exercise your mind and body. Any list on the web like this will tell you to exercise and that’s because it works. I don’t believe humans are meant to sit, idle and sedimentary with no physical effort put forth other than what it takes to get from bed, to couch, to refrigerator, to shitter, to bed again. But that’s what this shit does, it tempts you at first, then demands, that you give in to the fatigue, the lack of energy the depression itself sucked from you. Fight fire with fire. I know as well as anyone a ten hour day at a physical job that is just as soul-sucking as the depression and wish to die every day is, but believe me, rock a couple kettlebell throws and some burpees or pushups right after you walk in the door and you will feel amazing. I started with a YouTube search with just “Beginner Yoga” and that itself changed how I felt every day. I added kettlebells and other aerobics (just what my fatigued and miserable ass could handle at the time) and slowly worked my way up. This helps with weight loss and through that, more self confidence, but that wasn’t at all on my radar. All I wanted was to imagine myself hitting my personified and human representation of depression in the face every time I swung the kettlebell. Every “punch” was a victory for a guy that felt like life had him beat 100 points to none. I would do these exercises for my body, and right after, during cool down and my “reward” relaxation time (setting “rewards” is a useful thing to do as well, but be weary you don’t trade depression for debt and anxiety brought on from amazon euphoria.) I would find anything on YouTube, Amazon Prime, Netflix (services I know you likely have) that would stimulate anything in my mind in an educational or philosophical sense.. Anything I thought was even remotely interesting was added to my daily watch-lists. Because of this, my body grew stronger, my mind grew sharper, and I was suddenly more well informed on a range of topics that I could speak to confidently and passionately. I provided a use for my friends. Hey man, why isn’t my shotgun cycling? Cause you’re cleaning it with what looks like a fuzzy blanket. It’s jamming cause there’s gunk from 1985 in there ya doofus. Little stuff like that can be life-changing. 3. Volunteer your time to someone who needs it. With this crap going on in your head, it’s hard to even get out of bed, much less go to work, spend time with the lady (or guy), see friends and family if you even feel like they want you there (they do, I promise you), and to top that off, the idea of going to be around strangers to volunteer your valuable time seems daunting or outright abhorrent. I get it. Figure out something you can do then if not ladle out a few happy hours at the local soup kitchen. I volunteered to work at GoodWill, asked for a few weekends. For whatever reason at the time in Richmond, they didn’t need the help. That made me feel worse, I took it personally. The donation company that takes other peoples’ used undies won’t even have me. What do I do now? Adjust the attitude and figure out what I could offer. I posted something to a billboard to the local college, VCU, in their cafeteria after eating with a friend of mine. I decided to offer full edits of college papers, even wrote a couple for two or three people as it was right around the end of that semester. I only “helped” the 7 or 8 people that contacted me, and yes they were the type of people that look at cafeteria billboards for their editing services, but really, who’s gonna pass up free stuff? In the end, each person I helped out passed with flying colors, even the ones I completely wrote, and that made me feel so good, I ignored the usual “you shouldn’t feel good about that, not only are you worthless, you have to appeal to others to get joy out of your pathetic life” BS. In fact, after that, I had a mindset of, “So what if I did? They passed, I helped complete strangers, and I likely helped them feel happy when I don’t yet even believe I can be happy myself. That feels pretty good.” and it definitely did. 2. Cherish the time. Like I said above, spend as much time with friends and family as you can during and after this period. In fact, you want to get as much time in with family and friends as you can all handle. Life is supposed to be about experience (I think, cause the other things are bullshit) and the best experiences for me have always been with friends and family. For me, it was really hard to listen to myself telling me how big of a piece of shit I am on a 5 second wake-up alarm type setting when I’m making all of my friends laugh. I embraced this darker aspect of my head and used humor to bite it back. And it turned out alright, because thankfully, I’m still here and I get to experience as much as I can with those family and friends. And again, like I said above: I know you hear that voice telling you that the people that you love and that love you don’t want you there for X or Y reason…fight that crap with logic. Yeah, perhaps “nobody likes a Debbie Downer” but the thing is, what the hell else are friends for if not a shoulder every now and then? How many songs are there about that sappy shit? Sappy or not, it comes from a place of truth and love, and the people that love you want you to stick around. Not only might they be going through something similar, and just like you possibly not saying anything about it, they might need you someday too. “The Shit” as I always call it might hit them hard enough that they can only think of one person they love to talk to, and that’s you fucko. You mean something, and you absolutely matter. A lot more than that voice would have you think 1. Decide that you will commit that things WILL be different. This is almost two part, deciding to commit to a change through sheer will, and almost as importantly, holding yourself accountable. Not an accountability you set up to disappoint yourself, thereby letting the crappier part of you win, but one you can live with. Minute changes in behavior you can translate to anything around you. Don’t clean the house, do half the dishes. Don’t bumrush to get all the laundry over last month washed, sort the colors and get your thongs washed for this week. Takes thirty minutes instead of the several hours at the laundromat. Can’t convince yourself of half an hour? Wipe of your counters once with a soapy paper towel. Take one bag of trash out. Eventually that will lead to habits formed, then complete ease of use to keep anything you’d like in order, and even better, you’re more than familiar with how to productively increase your daily project load. And calling it something fancy like that instead of “mindless bullshit chores” is helpful, because you feel like you accomplished even more. It’s crazy what mind-power and force of will can do. And WHEN you feel better, think about how those simple things conquered your biggest pains. Translate those habits to life and see what you can do. You will positively surprise yourself and those around you. This was by far the most important thing for me. I DECIDED. I capitalize that not to brag, or try to impress anyone, who would be anyway? Why should anyone care but me, right? Thing is, I do care. It was amazing to me because before the absolute desperation of the situation in my head, it never even occurred to me I had a choice, much less that I could DECIDE it for myself. In that SECOND, I realized I had power, I immediately had control. And with control, came responsibility for my own health, in my own hands for what felt like the first time in my life at 21, and further, the first time I cared about me in just as long. Conclusion
It’s worth it to try. Don’t even worry about this list, there’s tons of them online written by people likely better than me at articulating the kind of thing you might need to hear. It’s worth it to try to get better. You’re human, you’re breathing, you’re living, you have a great shot considering the odds of you being those three things alone. If you live in America or developed Europe, you never have to worry about some genocidal prick deciding he wants to cut your head off today, right? Go to Congo and you can’t say that anymore. At least there’s that, right? If it has to be, make that your starting point. You can and will be able to love yourself, or at least parts of yourself, but that starts, I think, with appreciating the reality of your position in this world and head-space we all, and you alone, respectively, occupy. You matter to those around you, and the thing is, if no one else will tell you that, let me tell you again. You matter. And you matter enough to be worth this healing, worth this time, and worthy of this world. If you’re at your wit’s end, go and talk to a pro. They’re there to help, and I hear they’re awfully good. Not only is that a lucrative business (and how could it not be, there are millions of people struggling like we are) but it’s filled with people who are dedicating their lives to help in this area specifically. Think about that real quick. These people’s calling is to help someone just like you or me. That’s one hell of a commitment for someone who’s “just a piece of shit” right? I think there’s something to that, and I think that irritating voice that tells me I’m worthless is wrong, and I think the one that tells you the same thing is wrong too. I hope some modicum of this could bring you some relief, if for nothing else, than for my absolute promise, for whatever it is worth, is that you’re not alone, and better is possible. SAMHSA National Helpline https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline HelpGuide.org “Coping With Depression” https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
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